I am not much of the writing type. At least, not the type that allows their writings to be consumed by the public. I don't like my words scrutinized. I have thought to myself on many occasions recently that I need to start doing some of the very writing that makes me insecure, for my own sanity.
Fear has become an incredibly concrete part of my existence. In truth, I am able to write this missive to you today because of how I have harnessed this fear. Yet, to live in absolute cowering fear (as I do) is akin to slow digestion in the belly of madness. I function, but it comes with a cost.
I consider how I have let go of the concept of "salvation" and chosen my new faith in fear, and how that has affected all in my life. As a Jesuit, I am absolutely grateful to have sworn off the concept of marriage. This also spares the family that I never had, but fantasized about.
This evil that I fear has boundaries, and perhaps that is why the spool of my brain hasn't completely loosed. I know that this evil needs a host to move about. The thought has crossed my mind more than once that this evil should be able to move without a host as well, but this hasn't been its method.
Truthfully, I worry on a daily and sometimes hourly basis if this evil that is loose will find me. Then I query myself and ponder the particular evil in question. Does this evil really want me? Will this evil really come after me? This maddening inquest, and the analysis of all people around me to see if they host this evil that I speak of, is problematic.
I am damned so to speak, because I am the one who has been given the task of exposing this evil. Make no mistake, this evil has been free to flit about the globe causing all sorts of chaos since the beginning. My fear is that by my having identified this evil, I've drawn it's attention by talking about it. My fellow man must be warned, but I expose myself to unspeakable darkness as I do the warning. I will continue to gird my loins with fear more than anything else. Fear, sweet fear has extended my life thus far and will continue.
The thought to share, to warn of such an evil, has already backfired on me. Those that I have told have chosen to use the knowledge that I have blessed them with as an angle for "new fiction" and "comic book stories." I can't begin to tell you the frustration I have had in explaining this to individuals who are more fascinated with this particular facet of evil, then how to avoid it. Perhaps my most painful "tearing-away" has been with the author DEMMON. The man revels in the horror, but refuses to see or be affected by the truth.
This evil that I have been telling you of is the most tenacious, able-bodied entity that I have ever experienced. This evil has in fact, caused a deleterious rupture in my original faith. The seeds for this rupture were planted long ago. In fact, I was much more able to see and experience this unknown evil once my faith in the Bible had been properly diluted. I do not, however, blame this evil for the dilution, in fact, I blame Saint Paul.
I feel that the best way to help you to understand how I have lost my faith in the Catholic/Christian system is to show you my struggles with Saint Paul first and foremost. I do, however, wish to clarify a point with you, and this is the very nucleus of my sanity: I still have faith, yet it has mutated and twisted itself. I do believe more than ever before in the unseen. I do not however, adhere to the Christian interpretation of the unseen world. To adhere to such a Christian system while warring with the evil that I speak leads to death. I would add that other religions are similarly weak. A brilliant aspect of this evil is its connection to the "flood myth" and its many iterations throughout the world.
In my 25 years as a Jesuit, I never honestly confronted Noah's Biblical flood story. I simply accepted it all as an explanation of old-world evil by "the divinely inspired word of God." As I studied the Bible more and more, and read the original Hebrew and Greek, I realized that the sloppiness of man's imprint mars the text greatly. Cultural and contextual nuance pollutes these words that should have been pure as the driven snow. If God is the creator of the known universe, why couldn't he get his divinely inspired verbiage correct through his chosen vessels?
There is however, a form of supernatural evil that managed to survive the flood. Postdiluvian, and complete, this form of evil can enter a mortal and change his will, and his very form. Understand my horror as I learned that there are aspects of darkness and evil mentioned in the Bible that cannot be tamed by such forces as "the blood of Jesus," or "using the name of Christ." If you find me to be a blasphemous man, then you have no idea what I have uncovered. It would do you well to consider my blasphemy and possibly adopt it, as this evil makes itself known.
Now the common Christian argument to apply to this is Isaiah 41:10 - "Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness."
This verse, this "truth" that I have transcribed here is a falsity. The Lord (thy God) will not strengthen you at this particular time of adversity. I have more on this subject, but this missive is growing long.
My truth is that fear is the only true tool that I have against this form of evil that I now know exists. I have learned that "to fear" something (like God for example) is to defer to that something in a deeply respectful manner. I am speaking of the more primal fear. The one that makes you wonder about the fluttering you saw out of the corner of your eye in a quiet room. I am talking about the fear that washes over you when waking from a horrible dream. In order for myself, or anyone that comes in contact with this dark, unholy plague that I speak of, we all must partake of that fruit we were always warned to never sample, the fruit of fear. The fruit of a strain of fear that leaves its mark with quivering. the fear that is most akin to being "scared to the very core." I can only truthfully add that the harvest of this particular fruit is survival.
Here are the scriptures that unraveled my traditional Jesuit training. Let me clarify that my personal faith and beliefs are lined up with the equivalent of a modern, born-again Christian:
1 Corinthians 6:9-10 - Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God.
1 Corinthians 11:29-30 - For he that eateth and drinketh unworthily, eateth and drinketh damnation to himself, not discerning the Lord's body. For this cause many are weak and sickly among you and many sleep.
1 Corinthians 16:22 - If any man not love the Lord Jesus Christ, let him be Anathema Maranatha.
Romans 1:27 And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet.
Romans 2:26-30 - Therefore if the uncircumcision keep the righteousness of the law, shall not his uncircumcision be counted for circumcision? And shall not uncircumcision which is by nature, if it fulfil the law, judge thee, who by the letter and circumcision dost transgress the law? For he is not a Jew, which is one outwardly; neither is that circumcision, which is outward in the flesh: But he is a Jew, which is one inwardly; and circumcision is that of the heart, in the spirit, and not in the letter; whose praise is not of men, but of God.
Romans 3:7 - For if the truth of God hath more abounded through my lie unto his glory; why yet am I also judged as a sinner?
1 Timothy 2:11-15 - Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety.
The scriptures cited above were more than enough to unmoor my faith. All excuses for the era and society aside, Saint Paul does a great job of showing how bigoted Christianity truly can be. It is nigh impossible to consider that a loving God would endorse those scriptures above. Anti-homosexual, anti-female, pro-hell, pro-deception, and pro-hate. I chose to include the verse about death coming as a result of disrespected communion, because there is no record of a death as a result of disrespected communion wafers. In fact, the method a priest consumes the last of the wine and the communion bread while performing his duties by the altar could be interpreted as "disrespectful" every time communion is served. I also included the perplexing, potentially homoerotic Biblical fascination with the male penis, and whether it should be uncut or cut with the rite of circumcision.
God inspired the scriptures. If God is love, then how can there be such hatred within His inspired word? If that hatred is sincere, how can that hatred be within God himself? If these are the inspired words of God himself, how can they be so completely flawed? Selah indeed.
At the very same time there are parts of the Bible that reference hidden truths that have not been brought to the front of our studies by our priests, scholars, and spiritual leaders. Why is this? My conclusion is that those who study the Bible (as I have) never had to truly face this evil that remains unmentioned in canonical and most non-canonical books.
How is it that there are only 2 Biblical references to the Nephilim? How come there are merely 20 or so references to the Rephaim? The evil that I speak of, parasitic in nature, specifically used the Naphilim and the Rephaim as hosts. I believe that the warning was there for us in the scripture, however. I believe that the warning of the spiritual disease of the Nephilim and the Rephaim is present by the continual mentioning of the existence of giants in the scriptures. In fact, the specific Rephaim carrier of the impurity was King O who is mentioned several times throughout the Bible.
I have come to the conclusion that King Og's continual mentioning in the Bible has little to do with his presence in (the Promised Land) Canaan, but as a message for scholars to look closer at this particular Rephaim and to ponder his position in the world. If one were to truly ponder the Rephaim King Og, one would eventually have to read his writings. One would have to realize that the words of the Rephaim King Og are not "full of fables and errors" but actually carry a specific horrible truth.
The most mind-numbing turn in the center this entire riddle is that the Vatican itself has historically employed its considerable brain trust on different aspects of the Bible. Unfortunately, there is a truth deep within the Bible that has been unspoken for centuries. The Vatican has not obscured this truth in an effort to hide this evil, but out of ignorance of its existence.
This is where I now find myself. I have cleared the cusp of a new revelation. I have a new monopoly on truth, but the ingot of comprehension that I have of it is a dangerous one. I have been burdened with the task of informing humankind of this unexposed spiritual treachery.
Imagine my inner turmoil as I realized that I am being sacrificed as Christ was sacrificed. Imagine the hollow torment that Christ himself felt while sweating drops of blood and whimpering, "not by my will but by thy will." I feel as Christ felt. There is a crucifixion coming for me and if I could escape it, I would. I feel that I will be sacrificed that others may go free.
Now, here is my truth: I no longer believe in the Christian faith or the Christian God, but I believe in something. Currently, that which I do know to exist is this evil that I have spoken of. I am looking for the way I am supposed to fit "God" into all of this. If I ever needed Him, to hear His voice, to feel His peace that passes all understanding, it has been in this last season. God, wherever (or if ever) has not heard my cries. I have lost my faith. My fitful salvation of unmerciful fear is all that I now cling to.